Sexual intimacy is one of the most sought after and the most avoided of all human experiences. Most people want it and are terrified of it at the same time. Lying in bed with your lover, you can be in varying degrees of intimacy. You can talk about the day's events, your problems, or your hopes and fears. This creates bonding at the level of ideas.from the book Living Life In Love by Peter Rengel
Yet, a deeper intimacy can occur when the words stop. If your Hearts, emotions, and sexuality open, energy flows between you silently. A new level of communication begins.
Useful Words
The most useful words
Help launch you into
The bliss of no words.
This leap from words into a nonverbal exchange of energy can be terrifying. As you merge with your partner, you can be swept up into waves of "irrational" emotions. Your identity starts to wobble as your ego boundaries disintegrate. The two of you are becoming interdependent. You both have the opportunity learn how to surrender into the blending of "I" into "Us."
Risking the dissolution of your ego is scary but does have its spiritual rewards. The illusion of being separate from the whole vanishes. As 'you' dissolve into divine union with one other human being, you feel vitally connected with all human beings, all creatures, and all of creation.
An important distinction needs to be made here. The beauty of surrender has been famished by people's misinterpretation of the concept known as "codependency." You are codependent only if you 'give to get.' When you give anything to your lover, if you feel diminished, disempowered, or compromised in any way, then you must be looking for something in return. Giving unconditionally leaves you feeling filled rather than depleted, regardless of your lover's response. You are probably forgetting that the source of your Love is within you.
In true surrender, on the other hand, the act of giving arises from an internal place that needs nothing in return. To be capable of surrender, you must first be able to define and set your boundaries. Once this has been mastered, then the next challenge is to let go of your boundaries. This allows you to surrender, not to your lover's ego desires, but to whatever allows the Love between the two of you to prosper. A mature awareness is necessary for you to look beyond your self-imposed limitations and discover something much greater than either you or your partner. As you create this new Being, "Us," your Heart's capacity expands. Embracing the spirit of unselfishly serving "Us" opens you to experiences of limitless Love.
If you take responsibility for your fear of losing your identity as an individual, you also take a quantum leap in your ability to be intimate. To truly merge with another human being means the Death of who you have perceived yourself to be. When you care deeply, you feel your lover's pain as your own. This union is an essential ingredient for Love to flow. Without it, you stay safely untouched in your box of isolation. Ironically, in a healthy relating-ship, the more completely you melt into your partner, the stronger and more independent you become when you are apart, leading your individual life.
You can work with your fear of intimacy. Recognizing the feeling as it occurs is the first step. Then, rather than running away to protect yourself, communicate to your partner that you are scared. Stay "on the same side" and ask your partner to gently hold you without trying to fix you. If you feel the fear without needing to do anything, it eventually evaporates. Soon, the next level of intimacy emerges. Instead of fear running you, you are in relationship to it.
How do you protect yourself from letting your lover more deeply into your Heart and into your sex? The world is full of distractions, such as newspapers, books, television, movies, socializing, and earning more money. If you let go of these external diversions, you can look for the more subtle, internal self-deceptions. You may unconsciously pick a fight the moment before you have an opportunity to spend quality time together. You may get tired and fall asleep. You may escape into hot, lusty sex to safely sidestep a softer, more vulnerable connection.
Talking about a "significant issue" can also be an avoidance of intimacy. You stay at the level of words instead of allowing more profound modes of relating to unfold. If you can find the kind of words that lead both of you out of your heads and into your Hearts, then walls come down. You each feel safe enough to express a Love beyond words.